Healing the Soul Scars

The cycles of abuse

There are three cycles in the pattern of an abusive relationship. It's important to be familiar with each one, so that you can recognize whether you or someone that you love is involved in an abusive relationship.

Stage one: The honeymoon stage

This is the 'happy' (so to speak) stage in an abusive relationship. Typically at the beginning, but not ONLY in the beginning. The honeymoon stage comes after the abuse, when the abuser becomes apologetic and loving, promises 'it will never happen again', and goes out of his/her way to be affectionate and doting, even going as far as buying the victim gifts. Please do not be fooled. It will not last! This is the batterers way of making sure that they maintain control, both over you and over the relationship. It is NOT genuine!

Stage two: the tension stage

During this phase, tension builds in the relationship gradually. The batterer becomes more agitated, and less able to maintain calm conversations, or engage in regular activities. He/she may seem more withdrawn, and will likely blame it on something you did or said, that 'caused' that mood. Again.. not your fault.

Stage three: the acute battering/explosion stage

This one is self explanatory. The batterer erupts, leading into threats of, or acts of violence/abuse. This stage will typically lead back into the honeymoon stage, once the batterer realizes that they've lost control.

Things to be aware of:

It is common for the victim to defend their abuser.

It is also common for the victim to take the blame on themselves.

Victims of abuse often become withdrawn. More often than not, it is because their abuser is trying to isolate them from loved ones, to further his own power and control.

Trying to "push" them into changing the situation will only isolate them further.

Confronting the abuser yourself is NEVER a good idea. It will only make the situation worse for the victim, and very possibly put you at risk, as well.

Verbal abuse damages the spirit. Often the victim will start believing what the abuser says about them, totally crashing self esteem in the victim

Abusers can be virtually anyone, but it has been found that many people who end up abusing a partner share a few characteristics. He (or she!) will blame the victim for abuses that occur, they may have poor communication skills, they have trouble controlling urges, they have a need to be in control at all times, and they often suffer from low self esteem.

Abusers will often not want the victim to get out of the house. It happens little by little many times, but eventually seeing friends and family will be forbidden or severely limited. (This ties in with the victim becoming withdrawn.)

If you are helping someone escape an abusive situation, remember that it may be the most dangerous time for them, both physically and emotionally.

"How do I know if I'm being abused?"

Domestic violence, or intimate partner abuse, is defined as "the use or threat of emotional, physical, sexual, or verbal abuse with the intent of instilling fear, intimidating, and controlling behavior" ( Harway, M. & Hansen, M. (1994). Spouse abuse: Assessing and treating battered women, batterers, and their children. Sarasota, Florida: Professional Resource Press.)

There is a misconception that in order for it to be abuse, it has to be physical. THIS IS WRONG. Physical is only a part of it.

So how can you recognize if you are, or someone you love is being abused?

Signs of abuse include:

Verbal threats of violence, pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, punching, biting, kicking, holding down, pinning against the wall, choking, throwing objects, breaking objects, punching walls, driving recklessly to scare, blocking exits, using weapons

Name calling, coercion and threats, criticizing, yelling, humiliating, isolating, economic abuse (controlling finances, preventing victim from working), threatening to hurt children or pets, stalking

Unwanted touching, sexual name calling, false accusations of sexual infidelity, forced sex, unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, HIV transmission

Warning signs of a potential abuser include:

Unreasonable jealousy
Controlling behavior
Quick involvement in the relationship
Verbal abuse, blaming others for problems
Cruelty to children and animals
Abrupt mood changes
Regular alcohol/drug use

Stay informed, so that you can protect yourself and your loved ones against abusive behavior! If you think that someone you love is being victimized, please let someone know who can help them! It won't stop until the cycle is broken!

If YOU recognize any of these signs in YOUR relationship, I urge you to utilize any of the contacts listed on the information page, or call the authorities. In the very least, please tell someone you trust, who can help you.

ABUSE IS NEVER OKAY!

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Healing the Soul Scars